Red October

I was so close. The line was in sight and I dropped the baton. Although, I am disappointed, I'm consoled by the fact that my actions may have inspired others to do the same, but I doubt it.

I had almost cleared a whole calendar month without bawling at an idiotic Chilean. Not only did I fall off the wagon, I fell off and took out four of them in one fell swoop.

The main idea behind my blog is to vent my frustrations at what has to be the most idiotic, illogical, ignorant, indolent, inconsiderate race of people on the planet......Santiaguinos. I feel that if I can vent my ire on a keyboard rather than in the face of a native, then I'm less likely to go too far and actually inflict physical damage on the cretin. Let me tell you, it's not easy.

I love the metro. It's clean, efficient and value for money. It gets me from A to B in good time. It's not perfect, but by Santiago standards it's a Nobel Prize winner. Well, they are just giving them out to anybody these days. Most times it's fuller than a spinster's plate at a wedding but the metro company are always trying new initiatives to deal with this issue of overcrowding on the platforms and in and around the station.

On the green and blue lines they have a peak hour(s) system where the trains do not stop at every station. At some stations they block off the nearest entrance to a platform thus encouraging you to walk a couple of metres further. This leaves said entrance to function as an exit for people disembarking. The Tobalaba red line is an example of this. At Baquedano, they change the directions of escalators and switch on no entry signs. Platforms edges are patrolled by the yellow-jacketed men and women to ensure our safety, 'STAY BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE', and to chivvy us along when the door closing alarm sounds. They do this with good humour too. I like the yellow-jacketed folk. All in all, the metro company does a good job.

You won't find many people singing the praises of this underground train network. People immediately point to the overcrowding issue. Whether they realise it or not, this is not the the fault of the train company. The metro has two thorns in its side.

One, the bus network. Due to it's inefficiencies and extremely poor layout, people are drawn to the metro. Quite often in Santiago you need a combination of both to complete your journey. This city almost has an integrated transport system. With the same piece of plastic, the Bip card, you can travel on metro and bus. For the price of a 'bip' you can complete one metro trip and board three buses in a ninety minute period. Unfortunately, the bus company is not very co-operative in their part of the bargain.

Routes are badly planned, leaving metro stations inundated with passengers and the buses themselves don't run on a timetable. For some reason, the bus drivers in this city drive like maniacs, competing with one another using bus stops and traffic lights as imaginary chequered flags. The days are long gone when these guys worked on commission for the number of fares they collected but the mentality to drive at breakneck speed has yet to catch up. Take the 401 for example, on the Alameda. Two, maybe three buses will arrive a couple of minutes apart. Bus number one will pick up the passengers, number two will pick up any stragglers and number three will just continue its barrage through the city. What happens now is that near empty buses career through the city.

The second and deepest thorn which is perilously close to a major organ is the people. It seems they take for granted the efforts made by the metro company to make their journey better. They completely ignore the 'Stand on the left, walk on the right' signs on escalators choosing to just stand on both sides. If an incoming train is not one that is going to stop at their station, they maintain their position on the platform not caring if the person behind them needs to board or not. They completely ignore announcements to allow disembarkation before boarding. If they only need to go a couple of stops, a Chilean will board the train but will not go further inside the carriage than is necessary for fear of missing their stop. This impedes the whole boarding process and sometimes leaves pockets of space inside the carriage while Chileans gather around the pole in the middle or at the sides of the door.

What bothers me most is that nobody complains or points out the blindingly obvious, even in a polite way. This usually calls for drastic action on the part of the sensible Gringo; A good, old fashioned bawling.

At times I use Chile and Santiago synonymously and refer to the people thereof. This is unfair as I don't have much empirical evidence to say that Chileans outside of Santiago are as moronic and ignorant as their big city counterparts. In my brief encounters with non-Santiaguinos, they are nicer and politer, but still not the sharpest tools in the shed.

Last Friday, after an early morning class with my investment banker English student, I jumped on the metro at Plaza de Armas. At that hour, Plaza de Armas is more a 'getting off' station than a getting on' station. Nice. It was one of the old trains with individual carriages so I positioned myself nicely, resting against the redundant inter-carriage door. We arrived at Bellas Artes and the carriage filled to halfway. There was still plenty of room for four teenagers to sit on the floor, on the 'Don't sit on the floor' sign, against the opposite door. I smelled trouble.

Next stop, Baquedano. The platform was quite full on arrival. It was 9.30am after all. More people scrambled to get on rather than get off and it was becoming a sardine situation. I wasn't in anybody's way. I stood where I was and nodded my head away to Pearl Jam's Even Flow. The youths remained seated sharing sets of headphones to listen to one another's music. Passengers stuck on the threshold had puzzled looks on their faces. From their point of view, there seemed to be room at the back. They couldn't see the kids sitting cross legged, oblivious to the situation. Ah, the next generation of morons. This country is in good hands.

Rather than saying to a complete stranger: Excuse me old chap, would you mind moving a bit further back so I can get on? They just continue to push.

The passengers who were the last wall of defence before the sitting teenagers maintained their ground. Rather than saying to complete strangers: Could you young whippersnappers please stand up and let these people on? They continue to resist. The pushing passengers don't understand what the obstruction is but the resisting passengers do. Nobody communicates with anybody.

Eventually, the Gringo who's listening to a classic grunge album screams at the kids '¡¡PÁRENSE!!' perhaps a little too loudly. In a split second, kids are upright, passengers are boarded, doors are shut and we're on our way.

People look at the Gringo like he has two heads. The kids look embarrassed. The Gringo seethes but is quietly satisfied. Eddie Vedder is growling.

New month, new slate.