My favourite bar none.

For some people, just having cold beer available and some decent company is enough to give a bar their seal of approval. The former being in the control of the bar owners and the latter being the responsibility of the approver. For me, what is paramount to a customer's comfort is the quality of the staff. They need to be friendly, attentive and efficient. I don't think it's too much to ask for.

Yes, I know I'm in Santiago and finding a native possessing any one of those qualities in the hospitality industry is like trying to find a ham sandwich at a bar-mitzvah.

I have (far too many) years of experience on both sides of the taps and so I empathise with both camps. However, I am a fairly easy customer to deal with. I usually sit at the bar. I usually know what I want. I don't order off the menu. That, however, all counts for nothing.

Whether you're sitting there polishing your halo or picking the dirt out from between your toes, you are generally met with the same level of contempt. Rarely do bar staff/waiters appear in front of you waiting to know what it is that will slake your thirst. No. You must seek them out. And to make absolutely sure that you understand your part in this power struggle, they keep you waiting just a little bit longer.Eventually, they saunter over to where you are and you are greeted with a 'Si?'

One of the differences between English and Spanish is that the Latin based language is used more efficiently than it's wordier rival. At first this can seem at little brusque. Our mothers always taught us to say 'yes, please' and 'no, thank you'. Naturally, we transfer this habit to Spanish and our cover is blown immediately. 'Si, por favor' and 'no, gracias', while not incorrect, sound strange to the ears of native Spanish speakers. I might offer assistance to somebody with 'Would you like some help?'. In Spanish, a simple '¿Te ayudo?' suffices.

Like Chinese, Spanish is a tonal language. See what I mean by reading this explanation of the five different pronunciations of da in Chinese. Similarly, si, depending on how it's uttered by a Chilean, has a variety of meanings. In a bar situation it can mean all of: 'Hello. How are you? Sorry to keep you waiting. What can I get you?', but generally it means all of: 'Yeah, whadda want? I was texting my boy/girlfriend, you know. And by the way, this isn't my real job, so don't you dare think you are better than me, you Gringo piece of shit.'

Then, in what seems like a moment of enlightenment, they ask if you're going to eat. You say 'yes', they ask 'what?', you say you don't know yet, they wait, you tell them that if they go and get your drink that you will have your decision ready when they come back, they snort, you maintain eye contact, they stomp off, you read the menu.

Now, taking an order for one meal is not too difficult but sometimes there are decisions to be taken on the part of the customer. If it's a good ol' fashioned steak, you need to decide how you want it done. Then there's a decision regarding the agregados and finally there may be a choice of sauce available. Tending to a single customer, you wouldn't really need a pen and paper to write it down. As a waiter/waitress you could just keep repeating it to yourself until you got your hands on a scrap of paper to scribble it down and give it to the kitchen. However, when there's two or three people in the group, a notepad is essential. I've noticed that four is the tipping point. If there are four in your group, they come to your table, notice that it could pose a short term memory problem and go in search of an envelope to write down your order. Without that trusty envelope you can be guaranteed that somebody will get rice instead of fries or the a lo pobre will have onions on it when it was specifically ordered sin.

I often eat in bars here. Chile has some of the best produce in the world. The meat, fish, fruit and vegetables are of fantastic quality. The problem is that the chefs tend to be Chilean. The food they serve won't kill you. In fact, the food is usually cooked to a decent standard. What they don't understand is flavour. Seasoning, it seems, is the responsibility of the consumer. Yet, we don't get a share of the 10% tip that is so kindly calculated on our behalf and fully expected to be handed over.

Sitting at the bar in Santiago hasn't really taken off. People here sit at tables and bars aren't really designed with having customers so close in mind. You don't really see the locals standing with their favourite tipple in hand either. I find this bar culture interferes with the potential of meeting other people (read: women). I've gone into bars with Chileans and because there was nowhere to sit we had to go elsewhere. I suggested that we go in anyway and get some drinks. This was met with 'But how will they know where to bring the drinks?' and 'It's okay. Let's go to that place over there. They have tables available'.

It took me a while to find a decent bar in this town, but I did. On my first visit, I was meeting a colleague. I found him and sat down. Within seconds I was presented with a menu (without asking) and advised by the (gorgeous) waitress that she'd be back in a moment to see what I wanted. The bar was about fifty percent full and she was the only floor staff. She was buzzing around serving, smiling and checking on people. True to her word, she was back and I asked for a bottle of beer and said I wanted food too. She said that she'd get my drink while I selected something on the menu. (WHAT????) My beer arrived within a couple of minutes (WTF???) and I placed my order for some quesadillas. My buddy had a pizza. I reckon it takes about 20 minute to make a pizza. Our food arrived after about twenty-two minutes. (OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?). The quesadillas were fantastic. Before I'd realised, I'd eaten half. (RIGHT, THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE). I went through my list of what had just happened.

- greeted by a waitress who is genuinely glad that I've decided to come to her establishment
- a cold beer in my hand within minutes
- the ability to look at the food menu while waiting on my beer to arrive
- regular check ins by the waitress
- food that actually has flavour and arrives on time

I needed answers. Had I just stepped into a portal that took me out of Santiago? Was my drink/food spiked? Was I dreaming? I grabbed my buddy by the lapels.
'WHERE THE HELL AM I? WHAT DID YOU PUT IN MY BEER, YOU SICK FUCK?'
He smiled and nodded knowingly. 'I've been where you are. It's weird right?'
I slowly lowered myself back into my seat.
'It sure is', I mumbled. 'Just tell me', I finally eeked out. 'I need to know'.
'Well', he said, 'the waitress is from California. In fact this place is owned by three Californians. She's actually one of the owners'.
'But, the food?'
'Mexican', he said in an obvious tone 'the chef is Mexican'.
My heart was racing. Inwardly, I was screaming hallelujah. I needed some air.
'Toilets. Where are the toilets?'
I got to the toilets, locked the door, shut the lid and sat down. After I'd finished sobbing, I fixed myself up and made my way back to my companion and our table. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to tell him how I would never forget this day. I just wanted to say thank you. I didn't do any of those things. The ball game had finished and he was reading his book. I just sat there watching the big screen and took victory sips from my bottle.
'Another?', asked the goddess in the apron.
'Sure. Why not?'

A year has passed since then, and I've been a regular visitor to Bar Basic, and as the business has expanded they've employed some locals. A risky move you would think but these young entrepreneurs have whipped them into shape. I've often wondered why they decided to call their bar Basic. I suppose I could just ask them. There's probably a lovely story behind it but I'd rather think the name is based on the fact that they concentrate on the basics. Those simple, yet important things that make a bar great.