Off the Sphincter Scale

I took a walk through the rubble strewn streets of my neighbourhood. I encountered people huddled in doorways and on street kerbs with their blankets. Some people had outstretched hands looking for a few pesos to help alleviate their sad situation. It was starting to get dark but children's voices could still be heard. Dogs barked wildly only to be outshouted by the screams of ambulance and fire engine sirens. Breezes caught debris and rubbish and it blew what it could about the streets. It's a desperate time and Santiago is a desperate city.

Yes, my neighbourhood is a shithole. That was Friday. Then to make matters worse, we have an earthquake!

The vast majority of Santiago is a complete eyesore. And, again. I'm talking pre-Earthquake 8.8. Post-quake, it's a little difficult to discern what is actual damage and what is just the natural state of this ugly city.

Heads and Tales

The Japanese call it fat finger syndrome. It has nothing to do with sumo wrestling but rather the keying errors made by financial traders under severe stress. A trader's number pad will have the usual keys 0-9 and also a couple of extra ones for 00 and 000. These extra keys are an invaluable aid in reducing keystrokes and completing transactions quickly in the frenetic environment of a trading floor. Numbers, especially when dealing in yen, can run to 15+ figures. Unfortunately, these two extra keys, 00 & 000, are located beside one another on the keypad. Imagine you want to purchase 100 shares of company X. The price is right and you want to make a quick purchase before the price changes. You pump the keypad twice, 1 & 00, and hit enter. Unfortunately you don't quite make a clean contact with the 00 key and you inadvertently hit the 000 key as well!! You are now the proud owner of 100,000 shares in company X. The financial tickers on Bloomberg, CNN, et al are awash with the news that company X has been taken over by an unknown Far East buyer.

It's an easy mistake to make you mumble to yourself as you sit on the kerb holding a box of your things that had once populated your desk on the 45th floor of Makushita Towers. And anyway, the mistake was easily rectified the next day.

How can you tell when a Chilean is lying?

Their lips are moving.

Harsh? Perhaps. Untrue? I'm afraid not. The opinion of a belligerent Gringo? Well, yes. But also of the Chileans themselves. Chileans just don't trust Chileans.

There are fewer unpatriotic places in the world than Chile. People here don't puff out their chests and proudly proclaim who they are. Sure, they go nuts when the national football team does well but they go equally nuts when their own league team does well. That's more of a football thing. And of course you won't find a sober native during the Fiestas Patrias. That's more of a beer thing.

Some Chileans are almost embarrassed to call themselves Chilean. Obviously, they can't deny it if they were born here and willingly carry Chilean passports and ID cards. This is more evident in the affluent parts of Santiago. Many of them would not consider themselves Chilean and reading the telephone directory they may have a point when you see the glut of Germanic and English surnames. It's a class thing too.

No, thanks. I'd rather walk.

I imagine the Gates of Heaven to be God and his clipboard. I imagine this clipboard to have a special sheet at the back titled 'Don't Bother. Just Send Straight to Hell'. It's a short list. After all, everyone deserves the opportunity to plead their case. There are some groups, however, that won't be listened to. Wedged in between paedophiles and reality TV stars are Santiago taxi drivers.

Never use a taxi if it can be avoided. Taxis are cheap and plentiful here but the drivers are basically unscrupulous con men.....especially the older grandpa types. The transport system is quite extensive here and the metro is quick and cheap. If you live here, you should be using public transport the vast majority of the time anyway. Taxi drivers here eyeball Gringos the same way a cheetah does a gazelle.

If you must use a taxi, then follow my Rules of Engagement:

Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble.......

Today is one of the saddest days in Chile's history. I say one of because the worst is yet to come. Today we begin our farewell to one of the greatest players in Chilean history since Bernardo O'Higgins, the Irishman who liberated Chile from the Spanish.

Depending on which one you read, polls put Michelle Bachelet's popularity rating as high as 80%. Amazing when you think that she's been in power for four years and she's a woman. Unfortunately, due to Chile's ridiculous law that she can't run for a consecutive term, she will not be president for the next four years at least. I won't purport to know the intricacies of the policies she introduced or the effect of them. One thing I can say is that she has highlighted the inequalities between the sexes and worked tirelessly to rectify that imbalance in machista Chile. She has played her part by building and trying to maintain a cabinet of 50% women.

Obviously her work is nowhere near complete. And while her labours may not have yet borne fruit, the green shoots of change are evident. Four years is a short time to change a mentality that is so ingrained in a culture. Besides she has had other side projects to work on such as forging trade relations with China, trying to get Chile into the OECD and getting the country through a global recession.

Ms. Bachelet is exactly the type of person you would want to run your country. Being a woman, she doesn't suffer from that macho bullshit you get from male politicians but she's not nearly as hysterical as a Hiliary Clinton say. She's separated - no happy families bullshit for cameras, only honesty. She doesn't do religion, only she makes the decisions - Hallelujah. She has been a working parent all her life and she's a pediatrician. She speaks at least five languages. When she speaks, you listen. She doesn't use maxims or sound bites. She doesn't care if you like her or not. She's intelligent, compassionate and fair.

So, what are the world saying about current events in Chile?

Underachievers Apply Within.

As I write this Colo Colo fans are making their way to Plaza Italia to celebrate being the Primera División Clasura Champions 2009. Buses are full to bursting point. Arms, legs and flags are vying for space to hang out the windows. The stores on my street have closed early and a helicopter is flying back and forth keeping an eye on proceedings. The obligatory car horns are being played with finesse and the beer bellied, tattooed hinchas are in full voice.

Fans of Los Albos are quite accustomed to such victory celebrations. In this decade alone, they have been champions seven times. It should be noted that the Chilean league has two seasons per year called the Apertura (Opening) and Clausura (Closing). It should also be noted that this is how it's done in most of Latin America. Therefore some countries have two champions per year. Some countries have a play-off between Apertura and Clausura winners to have an ultimate champion. Colo Colo have just won the Clausura. Confused? Well, wait! I haven't got to the ridiculous part yet.

Dogs and Camels

Sunglasses are essential during sunny weather. In Santiago, you need them pretty much all year round. While officially not summer here yet, the fact that there are more sunny days above 25°C than not, makes it summer in my book.

The hotter weather has a noticeable effect on the many aspects of Santiago life. Dogs are less mobile. Their scavenging activities are punctuated by lots of siestas, usually at the top of metro steps, the pavement or pretty much anywhere they damn well please. This makes them more nocturnal and bouts of barking at night more frequent.

Hot weather also means ice cream. Ice cream is another source of the junk food that Chileans gorge themselves on but more so in the summer. Buses and streets are abundant with leather-skinned flaites who take a break from drug dealing to scream heladoheladohelado followed by chirimoyafrutillamorapiña.

The third most notable effect is the increase in the amount of female flesh on display.

La Mala Education

Education is very much on the agenda at the moment. Teachers have been on strike and there is an election next month. As I understand it, the teachers are angry because of a reneged agreement for pay increases dating back more than a decade. To be fair, education is pretty much on the agenda all year round. If the teachers aren't on strike, the students are. That's right, the students!! Striking is popular here. It generally consists of making a whole load of noise and breaking stuff.


If you work for a language school here in Santiago, quite often the students are there at their employers' behest. That's right, their bosses pay for them to be taught English. Sweet. You would think!

The Hand of Frog

June 1986, Mexico City. It's quarter finals time in the greatest competition in the world......The World Cup. Two teams meet in the blistering heat to challenge for a coveted semi-final place. Four years earlier the countries were at war. It was Argentina v England. The eyes of the world were on them and the fans.

In 1979 Argentina were seriously considering invading Chile. For some reason they decided to change their plans and try to invade a little group of islands off the Argentinian coast called The Falklands (Las Malvinas). The Chileans breathed a sigh of relief. Unfortunately for the Argentinians, these sheep populated islands were (and still are) British territory. Long story short: after a little more than two months the Argies had their arses severely spanked and went home with their tails between their legs. Chile played it's part by providing intelligence to the British and offering support if things got out of hand. A beautiful friendship bloomed between Pinochet and Thatcher.

Back to Mexico. Recent events hyped up this game to epic proportions. Tabloid newspapers in both countries naturally equated the game to the war. In 1982 the British had the biggest and best trained military force in the world. In 1986 the Argentinians had Maradona.

...I've got another puzzle for you.

Today, I think I've probably seen the single most stoopidest thing in my life. Naturally a Chilean was involved. Well, the odds are against them. I like how New Yorkers pronounce 'stupid'. It gives it an extra resonance.

If you've lived in this city for any length of time, you can't help but notice how much cleaning goes on by the local authorities. They are pissing against the wind here as Chileans are litter bugs and they wouldn't think twice about tossing a wrapper on the ground regardless of who's watching. In and around the city centre and eastern suburbs their are armies of jump-suited pensioners with pans and brushes. When they aren't sweeping up they are watering concrete (that's a whole other rant).