Must Dash? Really?

Due to recent events our building was without gas and therefore hot water for nearly two weeks. This made showering quite difficult. I'm way too cowardly to take a cold shower. Using a variety of containers and a kettleful of boiling water showering was pretty much achieved, albeit quite time consuming.

One task I purposely neglected was shaving. Men hate shaving at the best of times. I'm lucky that I don't need to do it everyday. I like shaving in the shower. The constant hot water is great for softening the bristle and I feel that I'm saving time by multitasking. A rarity for a man.

I've always found facial hair bizarre. I don't know why men wear it and I don't know why (a small number of) women find it appealing. Obviously, some people would look strange without the beards and moustaches that have become their trademark. Imagine ZZ Top without their beards. Not all them in the group have beards, by the way. The drummer, ironically named Frank Beard, doesn't bother.

I think if you're going to sport whiskers then the full combo should employed, beard and moustache. An unaccompanied beard doesn't do men any favours although it never impeded Abe Lincoln and half of the Amish community. Perhaps they too felt that a caterpillar under your nose was just too darned ridiculous. I just can't get my head around having just a moustache. Why would you want a strip of hair on your upper-lip?


Dali, of course, wore his 'tache with flair but Stalin and Einstein cultivated monsters on their labium superius oris which undoubtedly made eating soup a very unhygienic experience. Stars of the silent screen, Oliver Hardy and Charlie Chaplin, tried to perfect the toothbrush moustache when around about 1939, it just went out of fashion for no apparent reason!

I know, I know it's hard to think of Magnum P.I. or Frida Kahlo without their most striking feature.

In Western society, I think we subconsciously associate beards with scholarly people. We're probably more likely to believe words uttered by a bearded 'expert' rather than a fresh-faced one.
It's common to see young men wearing a full beard or the abhorrent poorly cousin commonly referred to as the goatee. Question: Why are goatee wears the most annoying people on the planet?

The moustache however tends to be reserved for men in their forties and beyond but a worrying trend in Santiago at the moment is the number of young men wearing moustaches. And only moustaches! They look absolutely ridiculous. Of course, this is not a total surprise. Looking ridiculous is a national pastime here. Mullets are worn with pride. There is also this trend for many males to have rats tails randomly extend from their head.

There are not any very many famous Chilean sportsmen and certainly not any women. One guy in the public eye at the moment is Tomás González. Late last year, little Tommy was on TV lamenting the fact that due to a lack of funding he may not be able to go to London in 2012 and compete. (Note: when Chileans say 'compete' they mean show up and perform abysmally). Within days, the Mullet Millionaire, Farkas, gave the lad millions of pesos worth of training equipment.

Tommy G was born in 1985. His speciality is artistic gymnastics. To be fair to the fella he has a couple of medals and he is probably Chile's only hope of winning anything in the next Olympics. Now in his mid-twenties Tomás has decided to wear a moustache.

What drove Tommy the Tumbler to take this drastic decision may never be known until we get our hands on his eager anticipated autobiography. At press conferences tension is palpable as journalists tip-toe around the elephant in the room.

Aside from the East German Women's Shot Putting team c.1980, Olympians aren't really known for their facial hair. Perhaps Gonzaléz is a lot cleverer than we I give him credit for. He knows that he won't make his fortune from his sporting endeavours. He equally knows that Chileans, while obsessed with celebrity, are not very competitive and just having a Chilean on the world stage is a gold medal. After all, Chile is a country where mediocrity is not only encouraged but rewarded. Chileans don't expect or demand high standards in any facet of life and therefore are never disappointed. Could this be solution to bring about world peace? Maybe the world be a better place if all used the Chilean perspective. Back to Tommy. Having a shtick is what it's all about and Tomás' shtick is his 'tache. It's not important that you don't know his name because isn't he that Olympic gymnast? Oh yes! Lider, Ripley, Banco de Chile et al will be queueing up to get that kid with the moustache to front their campaigns.

According to recently released figures, crimes against taste and decency are at an all time high in Santiago. Experts say that Chile could soon overtake Germany and possibly even Canada if the current trend continues. Hair abuse features quite heavily in the report. As well as the moustache and mullet epidemic among the male population, females have been accused of not shaving their forearms. This latter crime has seen the biggest rise in complaints.

Other crimes highlight were stoopid sunglasses syndrome (male & female) and muffin tops (fat Chilean females in hipster jeans).

Support groups and charities say that the solution is to catch the crime at its source rather than punishing individual perpetrators. Suggestions range from closing down barber shops known to service mullets and implementing a compulsory weight to hip size scale for jeans retailers to use. Critics say that these measures will only push the activities underground and that those committing a crime against fashion should be hit with on the spot fines and possibly a custodial sentence.

Whatever measures are taken it needs the backing of the government and it needs to be soon.